Summer's Out For School

Summer is traditionally known for its warm weather, cold beer, road trips, holidays, and of course women in scarce and scandalous clothing. So, it may come as a shock to some that I, Jack Steele, despise summer. Yes folks, I shit you not, summer is the most strenuous and hellish part of my year. I hate it. Let me explain: every September I make a pilgrimage to several towns across the country in search of enlightenment and spiritual healing. Unfortunately, summer is the only time I can spare to plan and organize the necessary specifics to ensure a successful journey. While some might consider my ways ridiculous, I am nevertheless forced to hit the roads each year in search of my Mecca. Of course, I am talking about FROSH! My mission is to help open your eyes and see that going back to school is not a curse but a blessing from the gods! Every one of us should be saying 'boo' to summer and 'yay' to school. Below, I have accumulated some of the top reasons in favor of heading back to school.

6) The Move
Once exams have concluded and you've been evicted from your house, it's always nice to go home for some cleanliness, home cooked meals and a little R and R. Unfortunately, being reunited with your parents has drawn you to conclude that anywhere is better than existing under their roof. After months of living on your own and enjoying the good life, it seems like you've suddenly been thrown into a straight jacket and tossed in a cell. Even that box around the corner where Sammy the bum lives seems like a better option. It's no wonder when September rolls around the kids are happier than pigs in shit.

5) Pinocchio Time
After a summer of rehearsing in front of the mirror, you can finally unleash your arsenal of lies, fibs and tricks; and believe me, the unsuspecting ladies won't know what hit them. Here's a surefire example, "While on archaeological dig this summer, I jumped off a 100ft cliff into the Amazon River and wrestled a barracuda. Hey, how would you like to lick some hallucinogenic toads and make sweet bushman love back at my hut?" Don't worry ladies, you can lie as well, guys are even easier to dupe.

4) Easy Street
Everyone knows that the first few weeks of school are a joke, so this is the perfect time for optimal partying. My advice is to hit every get-together and put your courses on the backburner. When you finally decdide to enter detox, that's when you can start classes. Next issue!

3) Summer Retirement
Another beautiful moment in the transition from summer to school is kissing your lame ass summer job goodbye. Assuming you've saved a little cash you can roll up to school looking like the pimp you are. I suggest putting on your nicest clothes and slummin' on down to the ghetto for some hot prostitute love and I'm not talking about the cheapo hoes, I'm talking about the 10 dollar blow job hoes! When people tell you your job at MacDonald's 'blows' you can respond, "Amen brother!"

2) Paradise
College towns are genuine utopias. The ladies are uninhibited, confident, sophisticated, empowered and plentiful. I guarantee that you will find no other place on earth as conducive to getting laid as 'the College Town'. Although I've never been to Sweden, I imagine it's quite similar.

1) Dazed and Confused
For my all time number one reason, I would like to draw on the words of a saint and a sage: Mr. Matthew McConaughey. He once said, "That's what I love about these (college) girls, man. I get older; they stay the same age..."

So, most dignified and devoted reader, as summer concludes and the new school year draws near, I say, "Prepare not by purchasing books, pens and the like; but rather invest in condoms, anal beads and KY Jelly." Adieu.