The Hangover

I think we can all agree that hangovers are usually defined as the unpleasant physical effects following the heavy use of alcohol, which can include headache, queasy stomach, sensitivity to noise and motion, generalized aches and pains, nausea, fatigue, tremors and the occasional night terror. Sound familiar? If you're like me, then you experience these effects every Saturday and Sunday morning.ok let's not kid ourselves, throw Tuesday and Wednesday into the mix as well. It seems like every dumb-shit and half-wit I meet has their own preposterous cure for that devil we call a hangover. "Listen dude just drink a couple of glasses of water before you go to bed" Thanks assbag. Seeing as I can't walk or see for that matter, how do you expect me to stroll my ass on over to the sink. Let's use our brains here shall we. That's why I've decided to give up "curing" the hangover. Instead of looking at it as a curse, I'm going to treat a hangover as a reward that my body has bestowed on me based on a job well done. So grab a freshy kiddies, because Uncle Jack is going to show you how to make the most of your hangover blues.

1 - Grab a bed-rocket: The oldest trick in the book still proves true today. When you wake up feeling like your head has been in a vice don't curse the 25 beer you drank the night before; instead, waddle downstairs and crack open a fresh one. The taste will remind you of how much you love beer, and how no matter how hard you try, you can never stay mad at that beautiful, precious, delicious nectar of the gods. One of my biggest pet peeves are people that say things like, "I hate tequila... I had a really rough night once, and now I'm scarred for life." First of all, odds are you didn't have a rough night. And secondly, just because you felt like trash one morning, doesn't mean that the taste of the drink has changed. If you somehow managed to hurt your dong during a sadistic session of SandM, would you give up sex? Not bloody likely. So grab one, two or 12 of your oldest friends and head back to bed for some sweet, sweet drink-lovin'.

2 - Turn that frown upside down: How many times have you woke up and you just knew you were about to experience the most dreadful hangover of your life. For me, a hangover free morning is like Michael Jackson not having children in his bed, i.e. it rarely happens. My best advice is just to take it as it comes. For instance, a few years back I woke up knowing that if I opened my eyes I would feel as though I had been struck down by Zeus himself. So, I worked myself into a wild frenzy and counted to three... To my amazement I woke up to find a gorgeous damsel experiencing the throes of passion while riding the hell out of my morning wood. Here's another blessing about hangovers: by now, the ol' spunk stick has regained its feeling.

3 - Make others feel your pain: When I'm feeling awful, nothing cheers me up like demoralizing otherwise jovial citizens. If someone says to you, "maybe next time you shouldn't drink so much", it's your right as a human being to rain down insult upon insult on them just like it was like it was your second full time job. And once they have run away in tears, I guarantee you will feel that much better. Threatening them with bodily harm is another useful tactic, but old Jack here doesn't condone violence.

4 - If you don't remember it, it didn't happen: Make this your personal mantra. You may find that after a night of excessive consumption people might approach you accusing you of doing terrible things to them, like vomiting on them, stealing their money, kidnapping their dog, shitting the bed, punching their girlfriends etc. etc. When jackasses like that draw near, just deny, deny and deny some more until your heart's content. If that fails refer to pointer #3.

And as I leave you, most faithful reader, I leave you with this, "Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me." Cheers.

Article by:
Jack Steele

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