Party Themes

The money's gone, the brain is shot. But the liquor... We still got.

Party Theme

At some point in our lives we have all been to, in one shape or another, a theme party. For obvious reasons some are more successful than others. For instance, a "Whip Cream Bikini" party might draw a larger crowd than say, "Children's day at the Neverland Ranch." Below, I will draw out the differences between what makes a party flourish and what triggers a flawed soiree.

First Up to Bat - The Tainted Parties:

The '80s Night - Okay folks lets take a deep breath. Are we focused? Good. Now listen. Why is it that every goddamn bar I walk into nowadays is hosting an '80s Night? And a successful one at that! I mean, take a little time to remember the 1980's: florescent colours, gratuitous amounts of spandex (in which men were not ashamed to sport either I might add).

The hairstyles (think of any 1980's music video) and my god the music.if Rock and Roll was still able to rebound after that decade, then I do believe Neil Young hit the nail on the head when he said "Rock and Roll can never die."

The fact of the matter is that everything about the '80s was dreadful, so what moron thought it would be a great idea to bring this nonsense back; and more importantly what jack-asses actually enjoy getting dressed up like colour blind mental patients and belting out songs that would make a deaf man cringe. If I hear "Livin' on a Prayer" one more time, I'm gonna shoot someone, specifically Jon Bon Jovi. I can't put it any more simply than, "If it was terrible then it is terrible now!"

The Ladies Night - This scheme is performed all around the globe; and has been since the beginning of time. Bar owners understand that wherever the ladies are the men are soon to follow. So why not offer a complimentary night to the chicas? They know that soon enough the slobbering alcoholic apes will come stumbin' and stammerin' in hoping to find a nice slice of ass. Oh, it is a wise strategy, no doubt about that. Man buys drinks for himself. Man buys drinks for females. Bar makes a killing. It's win-win for all. However, the bars are forgetting one piece of scientific evidence: Chicks need men, but men don't need chicks.

Let me elaborate a little, if women get together it's called a "Girls Night," as though they need to justify to one and another that they can have fun with just the girls. It's reassuring to women because it is only one night and they understand that once the evening with their "friends" has ended, their personal supermen will be back to take them away to pleasuretown. When the fellas get together it is: a) to have a break from the ball and chain and b) to do the things men enjoy without their significant others (i.e. sports, drunkenness, rowdiness); did I mention drunkenness? And a slew of other activities that may or may not be illegal.

Okay, that may not be the most convincing argument but here's the kicker: dildos. That's right, even the butchiest lesbian loves slammin' the old rubber dong around. Why? Because, as I've said before, women need men. Even though a lesbian may not be attracted to a man, some biological function deep inside them (pun intended), craves the D. This is what porn has taught me and we all know that porn is an honest reflection of our simple and insignificant lives.

Now, going back to the bar owners, if they had a Men's Night, "Holy Moses!" They would all be filthy rich, instead of simply being filthy. Men who don't require the accompaniment of their girlfriends will flock together in masses and overwhelm the bar! And if that isn't enough, the bar will also garner the attention of the entire gay community. Talk about profits!

Now up to the Plate - The Slammin' Parties:

The Toga Party - Bless those wonderful Greeks for providing us with Plato, Homer, Pythagoras, Herodotus, Zeus and of course Dionysus (or Bacchus) - The God of wine and intoxication. Now we are finally getting somewhere! Of course we can't help but be reminded of the beautiful film "Animal House," which established the Toga Party Renaissance. To be very blunt, "Toga Parties fuckin' rule!" Every guest has two things on their minds, drinking like a rock star and banging like a porn star. It is a thing of beauty. With inhibitions and panties soaring out the window, everyone lets down their guard and has a great time. It should be noted that Toga Parties are intended to be fun for the whole family; it shouldn't be a macho hero fest - so party hard, but fellas - treat the ladies with the respect they deserve.

The Foam Party - If you've ever been to one, I don't need to explain, but for those who haven't had the pleasure, I shall do my best to capture the moment. Imagine the greatest night of your life and multiply it by 9.45 - that is how delightful Foam Parties are. These fiestas are best performed outside with Mother Nature, under the stars or under a large circus style tent. With music blasting, drinks pouring and the foam flowing, it truly is whimsical. There's something magical about warm foam that causes the ladies to rip their clothes off like they are going out of style. Like the Toga Parties, "Foamers" allow one and all to leave their timid inhibitions at home. When you are up to your waist in warm, moist foam, dancing becoming orgasmic, intoxication is amplified, and reality is skewed. It's flat out awesome!

In conclusion, and this is directed at the bar owners, take some of my sage advice and run with it. Expand or copy my suggestions so that the next time I frequent the Capital Music Hall, Barrymore's, or Zaphod's, I will see rope-tied, white-sheeted bodies, not Miami Vice look-a-likes, lumber jackets, or Sergio Valente jeans. Although, some of those girls did look fuckin' hot in those Sergio Valente jeans.

Article by:
Jack Steele

Related Links
Top 5 Stupid Break-Up Cures
The Hangover
Bar Scenes

Back To Exposure Online Magazine