Bar Scenes

Check Your Metaphorical Cape at the Door: A Discourse Regarding the North American Bar Scene

As a proud Canadian of British-Irish descent, I have been blessed (or cursed depending on how you look at it) with a love for the liquor. It's a scientific fact that the production of alcohol is the single greatest invention in the course of human history; Plato himself wrote, "he was a wise man who invented beer". So it comes as no surprise that most of my adult life has been spent with friends in dark, dank, dirty bars draining pints like it was my goddamn job. Unfortunately, however, today's bars are not the wonderlands they could and should be. There are countless obstacles and distractions that can often impede your night. This treatise intends to expose some of the major problems that can be found in any contemporary western bar. So without further adieu, let's giver!

1 - Heroes: If there is one guarantee in life it is that each and every person that has ever set foot in a bar has met a 'hero'. Heroes are macho jerks who can usually be found yelling such nonsensical things as: "I'ves dranks 45 beeers" or "Every chicks in this place wants me to bonez them", or this little doozy "I'll fights everyones in here AHHHHHHH". Basically heroes are cocky ingrates, with no respect for anyone and are most often than not found drinking bitch drinks. And when you ask them why they are drinking a 'pretty pink flamingo' or some bullshit, they will reply by saying "it gets you more hammered" whatever Superman.

2 - Cougars: Can we say Oedipus Syndrome? What is it about women of roughly 35 years of age that attracts young males? Is it their hiked up jeans? Their sassy hair styles? Or maybe it is their unique dance moves. Whatever it is young males across the globe are flocking in growing numbers to women that are old enough to be their mothers. In most cases it seems like both parties are getting together for bragging rights. Think about it, in one corner we have the lady: married with kids who hates her boring daily routine. In the other corner we have the young, sexually primed dynamo looking to boff anything that enters his field of vision. After a night of heavy drinking and sexual relief, both parties return to boast to their friends and co-workers. Now that I think about it cougars aren't a problem, they're a goddamn blessing! It's altruism at its best folks.

3 - Yetis: Having already discussed cougars I felt that their male counterpart needed an equal and appropriate label. However, the male-cougar is far from being a blessing. Yetis are those greasy old men who hang around the outside of the dance floor stalking young women and then when you aren't looking they sneak up and try to grab your girlfriend's ass. This one time I was at a wet t-shirt contest and this old man behind me promptly started yelling at the contestants, "NICE BEAVER!" and as I turned to give him my best evil eye he said to me, "it's ok... she's my daughter" and then proceeded to laugh hysterically. I was speechless.

4 - Shooter Girls: Remember when you were a kid and your dad would take you to the fair? It was great, you got to eat candy all day, go on rides and play fun games for prizes. Unfortunately, I never won any games and when I asked my dad why, he would say, "well, son, you were just swindled by a Carny". I hate Carnies. Well guess what, just when I thought my days of dealing with Carnies were done, they come crashing back into my life, this time in the form of a shooter girl. Here are two quick life lessons for you: 1)there isn't any alcohol in those shooters and 2) it doesn't matter how many shots you buy, that girl ain't gonna go out with you. Shooter girls want one thing and that is money. They prance around in skimpy skirts and tight tank tops driving every hero, yeti and cougar in the place crazy! I can't stand it. You buy shots from her all night, trying your best to woo her and for what? I'll tell you what, so her boyfriend can show up at the end of the night to take her home while you return to your place in a state of melancholy and pass out with lube on your hand and porn still on the computer. Life can be rough.

In sum, bars can be the greatest places on earth, assuming you know how to navigate its sometimes stormy waters. So as I leave you, I leave you with this, "Life, alas, is very drear. Up with the glass! Down with the beer!"

Article by:
Jack Steele

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